The Fight For My Life: Part 2

Thursday evening, before dinner time, Scott and I headed to the hospital. It was a short while before I was called back to the emergency room. It was more questioning and such. I already knew what was coming. The Doctor asked me if I would be willing to check myself into the metal health unit and stay until I got the help I needed and I said that if I was uncomfortable or missing home that I would leave. Because I was talking about hurting myself and not committing to stay safe  the doctor decided to place me on a 72 hour hold and she began reading me my rights.

I was scared. I didn’t want to upset life at home. I worried about the kids and Scott and how everything was going to work out. Scott reassured me that he had everything under control and that we have a team of people who love us who would be willing to help out. He said I needed to think about myself and get myself safe and stable before I was able to help others…and he had a point.

Scott was allowed to follow me down the Metal Health Ward. Because I was placed on a 72 hour hold I was escorted to the unit by a police officer.  A nurse introduced herself to me and lead me to my bed in a shared room. Scott was able to stay for a short while and calm me down. As soon as he left I was was a mess.

I struggle with anxiety..not just any anxiety, but the kind that prevents me from living my life. I don’t shop alone, I feel uncomfortable in my own backyard, I cancel plans because of all the what ifs. Here I was thrown into a room with a person I didn’t know, in a ward I am unfamiliar with. I don’t know the routine or how anything works. I was in the mental health unit, who knew what types of people where here with me…it was terrifying.

The first night I did not sleep a wink. I cried the entire night.

I am finding this story to be harder to write than I thought. It is still so fresh in my mind since it happened only a month ago. I am still struggling. Overall my experience was amazing while at the hospital. I want to get into more details, but for those of you who don’t want to be left on the cliff for a while please know that I am fighting hard and working hard to gain the upper-hand on this mental illness. While in the hospital some pretty amazing things happened and  I want to share them with you all in time. Please stayed tuned.

The Fight For My Life: Part 1

Door copyThis year has been a rough one for me. I have not blogged as much as I would have liked, but you were never far from my mind. My kids are young. I am homeschooling and working to balance many things in my life. Life is always about finding the balance.

I am heading into 2017 with more balance for my own life. The past several months have been particularly difficult.  I have been struggling with anxiety and depression. I have been on medication for anxiety since August. I have been working with my doctor to find the right medication and the right dose..it has been a struggle to say the least.

In November, I fell into a deep depression, which was interesting to me because the anxiety side of things seemed to be improving. Life was going great. my husband just got a promotion at work, I found a new church family, I am surrounded by friends who love me, the kids are doing well in school…But somehow, in mid December, I took a turn for the worse and was admitted to the hospital and put on a 72 hour hold by the state. It felt as though my mind was taking over my body and it wanted to kill me.

Tuesday morning I took the kids to Mom and Dad’s because I was at the end of my rope and needed a personal day. The night before I thought about drowning myself in the bathtub…I was maxed out for too long, and I was in the middle of switching medications. On my way home, I called my brother and told him my struggles and he prayed with me. I then stopped at a friend’s place of work and she left her meeting to pray with me. She made sure I had her phone number and told me to call if I felt I wasn’t safe by myself. I headed home.

I sat on the couch crocheting a scarf and watching TV. I got hungry and went to the kitchen to make eggs. I saw a knife sitting on the sink, and I looked it differently than I ever had. It looked like a tool to harm myself with, not a tool for cooking. I covered the knife up with a rag and continued cooking my eggs. The eggs burned…and I grabbed a fork to eat them. As I took  the fork out of the drawer I wondered how much damage I could do to myself with a fork. I didn’t put it down, but carried it to the living room so that I could eat my eggs. The whole time I was eating I kept thinking and envisioning cutting myself and stabbing myself with a fork. I could see the blood..I set the fork down and called my brother.

He picked up the phone and I asked, “Hey, If I were to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts, What would that look like?”

He started to explain it to me, and then not more than a minute later he asked me why. I told him about the fork and the knife. He asked for Scott’s phone number..and told me that I wasn’t allowed to hang up with him. I informed him about my friend who was working just a few blocks from my home and she said she would be here if I didn’t feel safe.

“Okay, call her. Call me right back. If I don’t hear from you in 5 minutes I will call the police to your house, ” he said.

I hung up with him and called my friend and told her I needed her here. She didn’t ask questions but simply said she was on her way. While I was waiting for her to show up, I returned the call to my brother. He talked with me until my friend arrived and then asked to speak with her. My brother and friend chatted for a few minutes.  We then called Scott and made the decision that I was not safe to be on my own and that I should go to the hospital.

While in the hospital, my friend sat with me as I cried. She encouraged me and complimented me on how brave I was for being willing to get help. She was texted with Scott and my brother to keep them in the loop. Scott was talking with his boss and would join us soon.

The moment I entered the emergency room I knew something was different. The room was locked from the outside, nothing was in the room except a bed a and a funny looking faucet. There was a camera in the corner as well as window to the inside so the nurses could keep an eye on you. Nurses came in immediately and I had to strip down to my underwear and put on hospital scrubs. They took all my belongings. A nurse came in for my medical history, she was followed by a medical doctor was who followed by a psychiatrist.  The staff was kind and the doctor was very sweet. The psychiatrist gave me the option of being admitted or going home. Scott had the next several days off so of course I wanted to go home. We were released and headed home. The kids stayed with mom and dad again…

The night was rough and the morning even more difficult. I kept having more crazy thoughts about hurting myself. Scott held me through the night. He comforted me as I cried. I asked him to hold on to me because I didn’t know what was going to happen next. The next morning I was getting ready in the bathroom and had to call Scott in. I was showering and wanted to burn my body with hot water…Scott came into the bathroom and kept me company. I was combing my hair and had the urge to open the medicine cabinet behind me and take all the pills. I called Scott into the bathroom again. Basically, He had to follow me everywhere I went. I didn’t trust myself and he was told by the doctors to keep an eye on me.  I had an appointment that was previously scheduled with my therapist that afternoon. Scott had to drive me because I wanted to drive the car into the ditch to hit a tree.  As soon as I walked into her office, my therapist knew something was up.  I told her everything that was going on. I told her about my thoughts that had continued thought the night and into the next day. She told me that I needed to return to the hospital…

 

 

Thankful Thursday

It’s after 8pm, here at my house. I bet you all thought I was going to miss my Thursday post again..I got it, and bonus points for me, it’s still Thursday. It is Thursday right? This has been a long week and I am not even going to lie to you, I thought that Tuesday was Friday…I hate when that happens.

This week was such a blur, I did not spend much time thinking about being thankful. I spent a lot of time wishing for the week move faster, wishing for my kids to listen better, and wishing for dinner to make itself. Weeks like this get pretty ugly around here. Scott and I had a couple of days where we were off in our conversations. I had several days that I just wanted to cry because I was so overwhelmed with life. I have eaten about 5 candy bars in the last couple of days and I don’t even feel guilty about that. They tasted delicious. It was either eat more chocolate or hurt somebody..ever been there? Good. Don’t judge me!

Thinking back to the beginning of the week. At least I think it was this week..even if it wasn’t just hang in there with me. The big super moon happened. I am a big lover of space and all the really cool stuff that happens there. The super moon might not get some of you excited, but it does me. The kids were sick, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me from watching this thing rise. I did my research, planned my location and loaded up my gear and the kids. The little one stayed with Papa. Memaw, joined the two older kids and I for some moon viewing fun!

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When I observe nature or really cool things happening in space, it always make me worship God. It is really moving for me to watch the sky and space stuff. The God of the universe, the one who knows me by name and knitted me together in my mother’s womb, made all the stars and planets and moons. The same God that knows my heart and loves me makes the stars shine, the sun rise, the earth rotate, the seasons change, the wind to blow and the moon to orbit. It is just mind-boggling, how at times my life can seem like it’s out of control, yet the God who has an order for everything is still with me and guiding me on my adventure as a wife and mom. Stop and think about how amazing God is.  It makes me want to kneel before him and sing forever about his wonderful creation. It makes me want to praise hos name to all who will listen. God is so good. His universe is endless and amazing…the stars…every star has a name. He knows how many hairs are on our head. I am thankful for his creation, for his beauty and structure and order. I am thankful for the seasons in my own life, even when they are crazy. I know that God has a plan and I know he will reveal it to me in His perfect time. While I wait, I am going to buckle my seat-belt and enjoy this crazy ride around the sun.

Thankful Thursday actually on a Thursday

Thankful ThursdayHoly moly…I am actually posting this in Thursday this week.  I cannot believe it.  This week has been brutal yet I have time to sit in front of my computer to think about life and not read about how everyone else’s life is falling apart because of the elections and how unfair life is…I don’t want this to be a political post so we will just leave it here…with this period.

For my family personally, it has been a difficult week. Starting last Thursday or Friday, I had been having terrible pain in my lower right quadrant. I didn’t think of the pain being more than a kidney stone. Yes I know what those feel like. I am blessed to have to deal with the little boogers on occasion. Soon the pain was so bad I was vomiting several times a day and not able to eat. Sunday morning I was sharing my health concerns with my church family and they convinced me that I should be looked at by a professional.

Sunday afternoon I decided to go into the urgency center because the pain was getting  worse.  The lower right quadrant can bring on so many scary things, appendicitis, eptopic pregnancy, the list really goes on and on. So the doctor was really nice. He asked me all the really embarrassing questions about my vagina and my period. He asked me about my eating habits and bowel patterns. The conversation was wonderful. Soon I was peeing in a cup, which is really difficult for me because I have a very shy bladder and their restroom was right near the front hall. I am sure everyone heard me pee.  A nurse came in shortly after that to take some blood. She and I had a pleasant conversation about this tv show she has been watching. “Sex sent me to the ER.” There was a couple doing it in the grave yard and they fell into a plot that had been dug up for a funeral the next day and she broke her arm…ROFL

Oh I also had an ultrasound..and because they tech could not see what she wanted to see on the outside of my belly she had to do a transvaginal ultrasound…great my favorite (sarcasm)…TMI I know, but really this day was not great. I was puking and waiting and hurting and then they did this…./cry.

Okay I won’t drag this on any longer. It turns out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. But no worries. The body is amazing and just re-absorbs everything. So thankful that it wasn’t anything worse. It could have been much worse.

The week wasn’t going much better. I was dealing with a toothache and my littlest one spiked a fever on Wednesday morning. I took her to the clinic and turns out she has another double ear infection. The conversation was started about having tubes put in her ears because she has had so many. She is doing so much better today.

Today I decided to do something about my toothache. My dentist is amazing. They are sweet and welcoming. They squeezed me in late this afternoon. It was really great to have my tooth stop hurting. Things are calming down here this wonderful Thursday. We are just about ready to put these kiddos to bed. I have plans of sitting on the couch to do nothing except eat some ice cream.

I am thankful for medical workers..doctors, nurses, assistants, dentists…receptionists..all who are involved there. I am thankful for medication that makes my little one feel better. It has been a crazy week…and I am thankful that today is Thursday and that Tomorrow is Friday!

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Thankful Thursday

Here we are again. Today is actually Friday so I am getting closer to posting these on Thursday’s. HA

If you didn’t know, I am the mother of three kids here on earth. They range in age from 6-2. I also have two little angels in Heaven who I will some day hold. They were lost via miscarriage. This week, my children have been on my mind. I am so thankful to be a mother. Before I had children I was told that I wouldn’t never get pregnant. I had two miscarriages and started to believe the doctors, but soon another child filled my womb. It was a miracle. Each of my pregnancies got progressively harder and now, we are done. Unless God has other plans of course.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be a mom. I am thankful for kids who I love with all my heart yet at the same time want to run and hide so they will never find me. I adore them and the beautiful people they are becoming. I think my husband and I are doing a great job of raising them. We do many things right, but then again we make many mistakes.  With parenting, there is always more to learn, always ways to better ourselves and different ways of loving our children.  I love that I am challenged to be a good mom. I want to be a good mom and so I put in the effort. However, I also allow myself time away and time to check out too. I am working on finding a balance.

I’ve been challenged to learn my children’s love languages. I will be spending time working toward that goal as well as praying for them more often. They need to be covered in prayer. This world is too crazy and scary to not pray for our children. In the mean time, enjoy this beautiful photo of my darling angels.

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Thankful Thursday

Thankful ThursdayLast week, my husband and I went on vacation. We were busy packing, running last-minute errands and giving extra cuddle to the kids before we dropped them off with Scott’s parents. So, I am thankful for time away with my darling. We usually get away once or twice a year.  I sometimes wish it was more, but maybe in a different season of life. I always have an internal battle when dropping off the kids for an extended weekend away. The battle goes something like this:

A week before vacation: I cannot wait to pack up these kids and relax WITHOUT them!!!

A few days before vacation: I pack the kids’ stuff because I am so excited to get away WITHOUT them!!

The day of vacation: I drop off the kids and linger longer than I should, why is it so hard to leave without them?

The second day of vacation: I talk about what the kids might be doing and call them at lunch time

The last day of vacation: I need to buy them something because they are on my mind. I suggest to my husband that we should leave early so we can get home and see the kids

The first day after vacation: Let’s go back on vacation WITHOUT the them!

I think it means I am a good mom, I don’t know if its healthy or not. All I know is I love my children. Okay..onto my Thankful Post…

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This week I am thankful for time away from my children. I am thankful for time away with my husband.  It is so important to take time to get away and connect. We had a grand weekend. We took naps. We slept in. We walked around naked. All these wonderfully fun things we can’t do with the kiddos around. We snuggled. We enjoyed each-others company. I really had a fun time. I am thankful for opportunities like this. I am thankful for those who stayed with my children so I didn’t have to worry about them all the time.  I am thankful for a husband who is willing to help me let go of the children for the weekend and remind me that they will be just fine! I am thankful for the love that Scott and I have towards each other. I am thankful for renewed passion with my husband. I am thankful to have a man who loves me well, forgives me deeply and who makes me laugh often!

Thankful Thursday

Today is Saturday…LOl I failed again on getting this post out on actual Thursday. But it’s okay.

Thankful Thursday

You can be thankful on any day of the week!

This week, my birthday was on Thursday. It was a fun day. Well, actually in all honesty, it started out terribly. Lots of tears. Lots of crying. Lots of unhappy children. But after lunch and rest time, everyone was feeling a bit better. We didn’t have any big plans for my birthday because we had planned a birthday party with friends the next evening. I had a friend message me and invited me out to St. John’s to take photos and enjoy nature.  I took the opportunity to get out of the house and do something I love.

My friend and I had a great time chatting. The weather was perfect and if you know anything about photography, we went during golden hour. The fall leaves were beautiful. We shared photography tips and life issues.  My whole life, I had been sad that I don’t have ‘more’ friends. Friendships have always been hard for me to make and keep. I just put a wall and it takes a long time to tear it down, and people just don’t have time for that. My roommate in college is about the only person who has stuck with me through thick and thin..I guess she is in it for the long haul.

My husband told me once to open my eyes and take a look around because I am a lovable and joyful person and people are drawn to that. Sure enough when I opened my eyes and let my guard and walls come down a bit, I started to notice all the people who love me and care about me and want to hang out with me. I am loved and I am thankful for the people in my life.

People who invite me to be real and share my life with them

People who are on their way out-of-town to bury their mother and still stop by my house with a birthday gift.

People who come early to chat with me and are real with me

People who don’t mind if I use their house to hide from my children and responsibilities.

People who can handle my sarcasm and dish it out just as fast.

People who are in the middle of a crisis and still take the time to stop by on my birthday to say hello even when they don’t feel like it.

People who love me for my crazy self with out judgement or criticism.

I am thankful that I am loved by so many special people. I am thankful for a husband who calls me out and challenges me to be a better person.

Thankful Thursday

I know that today is Saturday. It has been a long hard week at our home. The baby has been throwing a party every night at midnight until 3am… My darling husband and I alternated nights. We are tired. Friday was eventful. My husband celebrated his birthday, I got my hair done and took the baby to the clinic. It turns out that she has a double ear infection, no wonder she wasn’t sleeping well…poor thing. Today things are a little more calm and so I decided to take the time to write-up my Thankful Thursday post today..and not feel guilty that it is two days late. Life gets busy and I am learning to roll with it instead of allowing it to trample and drag me along.  Tuck and Roll baby!!

Thankful Thursday

This week, I am thankful for my in-laws. We live in the same area as Scott’s older brother and his family. Scott’s parents live near by too. Everyone is so helpful. My mother in law is wonderful help with chores and taking the kids off my hands when I am at the end of my rope. My family in law is a handy man. He recently fixed my back door that wouldn’t stay shut!!  My brother-in-law, Scott’s oldest brother, is really good at giving me advice and being upfront on things I need to hear. My sister-in-law is an amazing friend. We can just relax together, vent when we need to and encourage and support each other in this mothering thing.

My husband has another brother who is younger. He and his family live a bit farther away  from us, but they are all pretty amazing too. I didn’t want to forget them.

God has blessed me with amazing in-laws and I am so thankful that they love me for me.

 

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Battle with Doubt

The words that I woke up to this morning were paralyzing. They were whispered loudly and stung deep into my heart. Before my feet hit the floor, I had given up for the day.

“You aren’t good enough.”

“You aren’t capable.”

“You can’t homeschool. You aren’t doing enough.”

As the morning went on, I allowed the whispers to get loudly and take a firm grip into my soul. By 9 am, I called school off and began to wallow in my doubt. I accepted the whispers from Satan to be truth.

I sent the kids off to play so that I could do some soul-searching. I made a list of what I want my homeschool day to look like. I made a list of traits and qualities I want to teach my children. I made a list of some of the most important subjects I can teach my kids. Then for some reason or another the word mission statement popped into my head. (We had talked about life mission statements at church on Sunday)

I picked up my Bible and my devotional book, and boom went the dynamite!!

Here is what I read:

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After a two page journal entry to remember how God met me in my battle with doubt, I went to work on a Homeschool Mission Statement to help guide us in our schooling here at home. I wanted it short and sweet. I looked up and noticed a piece of art I had made two years ago..and there it was my mission statement right in my face. I know it will grow and change with our family, but I like this:

 

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We will demonstrate and teach our children to TRUST in Jesus

We will DELIGHT in His creation

We will COMMIT ourselves to life long learning

We will REST in HIM.

I ended the morning with a reading lesson, a math lesson and some science.  We moved into the afternoon with a better attitude.  It has been an emotional Monday. I am thankful for God meeting me in my mess and I am thankful for those friends who reached out to me to offer encouragement and to let me know I am not alone in my struggles. All in all, it was a learning day for everyone.

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Thankful Thursdays 2016

Thankful ThursdayI am personally inviting you to join me in a season of thanksgiving and gratitude. Each Thursday  I will be expressing my thankfulness for someone or something and I am challenging you to join me!  There are so many things that we can be thankful for. It can be something serious or something silly, big or small.  You can be thankful for an influential person in your life, your cup of morning coffee, or even the shovel you use to scoop your puppy’s poo.

My thought behind starting Thankful Thursday is to begin to prepare our hearts for Thanksgiving, which is only 7 weeks away. We can begin preparing a heart of gratitude and thankfulness for the many things that God has blessed us with. The Bible tells us in Psalms 92:1 that it is “Good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to him.” A grateful heart is really important. When our awesome lives take a turn for the worst, our outlook can remain positive when you seek and search for the good things you have. It is not always easy in the middle of a storm to find blessings but I promise you, they are there! God has blessed us with so many wonderful people and gifts. It will not be hard to spend the next 7 weeks thinking and reflecting on thankfulness.

I would love for you to join me!

You can join in the challenge in 3 ways.

  1. Each week, here @ Restored Through Grace, you can leave a comment telling me what you are thankful for.
  2. You can head over to the Restored Through Grace Facebook Page and leave a comment under the Thankful Thursday Link
  3. Using your own social media pages to celebrate the things your are thankful for. #thankfulthursday

Thankful Thursday kicks off the First Thursday of October and goes until Thanksgiving Day! If you miss a day don’t beat yourself up..pick up again the next week. Even if you don’t join me, take the time to reflect on your many blessings this Autumn season. Don’t forget to use #thankfulthursday